Do you consider yourself as having high self-esteem?

How we feel about ourselves is so crucial to our moods, the decisions we make in our lives, and ultimately to how we behave and treat ourselves and others. Much of our success and happiness in life is dependent on having a positive self-concept, which also involves having a healthy dose of respect and self-love. Without this, we can sabotage our efforts for reaching our potential in all areas of our lives, whether it be career, relationships, school, family life, etc. Without high self-esteem, we are more prone to lacking assertiveness and not sticking up for ourselves. We also tend to take on a more passive stance in life and stand in the way of accomplishing our dreams and goals out of fear and a lack of belief in ourselves. Click the link at the bottom of this post below and read the article carefully, being sure to compare/contrast what’s identified against your own mindset and behavior. If any gaps exist, you have an opportunity to work on bridging it so that your quality-of-life can be strengthened.

One of the best nuggets of advice I can share about developing and maintaining a healthy level of self-esteem is to be mindful of what your values are and to live in alignment with them. Our values are what we stand for, what makes us tick, what we believe in, and what ultimately constitute our legacy. When we act in accordance with our values, we feel affirmed and strong and the world feels balanced, and just, because our behavior is congruent with our true self and worldview. When we deviate from those values, we end up feeling like we’ve compromised our integrity and core self. When we behave or make choices that run counter to our values, our self-esteem takes a big hit and we can end up feeling depressed, stuck in our lives, and guilty/shameful. This can then create a vicious cycle of ongoing self-defeating and sabotaging cycles of behavior that further cause us to spiral downward into a vortex of despair and entrapment.

So the most important first step is to be aware of what your values are. Who are you? What do you stand for? What’s important to you? Let these values then become guideposts for your behavior and you will find that your self-esteem will start growing in a gradual and progressive fashion.

Exercise: Make an exhaustive list of your personal values. Be sure to validate that they are truly YOUR values. We are born into a society where we are socialized and onslaughted with “shoulds” and “musts.” Go back over your list once you are finished and assess each value that you’ve listed. Is this your value, or someone else’s that you’ve internalized and taken on? Is this really your value, or is it your mother’s? Your friends? Your 1st Grade teacher’s? Something you feel like you “should” do because of what media or society tells you? Unless it’s truly your own value, you won’t OWN it and the follow-through just won’t be there. One of the major tasks of adulthood is learning to separate and individuate and determine our own paths. If the voice that you’re hearing in your head about a particular value isn’t your own, it’s going to be important to psychologically “give it back” to the true originator of that value that you’ve internalized so you can carve your own way that will be authentic and true-to-self.

If you’re in a dark place and are feeling confused, depressed, lost, and empty, it may be difficult for you to identify what your values are. That’s ok. It’s completely normal and human. It would be important for you to first sit down and brainstorm a list of your values. If you find yourself feeling stuck or unsure, the next suggestion that I might have would be to Google terms like “values clarification” “list of values”, etc. and you’ll find a plethora of sites with lists of values words that can give you some ideas of what values actually are and how they might integrate with your identity. You can then use these lists as a reference to creating your own Master List that’s true to you.

If you’re still stuck on this whole values concept and aren’t sure about who you are and what you stand for, another suggestion that I would recommend is to behave in accordance with who you WANT to be. I once heard a saying that I found very powerful as it pertains to this subject, and it goes something like, “Would the little boy/girl you once were look up to the man/woman you’ve now become?” If not, what’s the gap? That’s where you need to focus your attentions. Identify the type of person you want to be in the values lists, and then start behaving along those lines. You will evolve into the type of person you want to become and your self-esteem will steadily grow to greater heights. Much success to you!

P.S. Below is a link to an article that I absolutely love called “30 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Actually Have Self-Respect Now”, by Brianna Wiest . It basically lists thirty qualities and characteristics that epitomize an individual with healthy self-esteem. I think it’s very well-written and was the inspiration for my writing this blog post. A good read!

(c) Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, LCSW Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. Aurora, IL www.personalvictorycounseling.com brian@personalvictorycounseling.com “Helping People Become Triumphant Over Life’s Challenges”